The Mission might have a big hit with "Stay With Me", but they still can't afford their own make-up bags -- so they have to borrow one from Smash Hits "reporter" Sylvia Patterson! And then they try to turn it into a hat... (??)
Somewhere in the midst of swinging London there's a record company interview room with a very horrible plastic bat dangling above the doorway - while the door itself is emblazoned with the scribbly words "Goth City". This, apparently, is to make The Mission "feel at home" - and they also find it very amusing.
"Well, you've got to have a sense of humour, haven't you?" sniggers lead "singer" Wayne Hussey (who sniggers rather a lot), "'cos as far as we're concerned this is Carry On Goth!"
Well! In fact, the four blokes who make up The Mission are all having a birrova laugh today - being waited on by various record company persons to bring them any amount of chicken sandwiches, tuna sandwiches, packets of gaspers and rather a lot of wine for a Thursday lunchtime.
"Fame?" muses Wayne, taking an extra large swig of wine. "Well, it'll never change us - we'll still get drunk? It's true - they are, after all, nigh experts at "enjoying" themselves. The Mission have been together a mere 10 months - releasing two extremely successful independent singles, "Serpent's Kiss" and the double A-side "Like A Hurricane/ Garden Of Delight" before they signed to a rather large record company and "Stay With Me" swirled its way up the flingaway charts.
This instant success, however, has quite a bit to do with the band members' previous paths of "glory". Wayne and Craig Adams were once in quite famous and very brilliant group the Sisters Of Mercy - which Wayne now reveals was "one big joke - that nobody got! And we're another joke that nobody's going to get... They were good days, though, great days..." until they split up rather mysteriously last summer. In fact Wayne was in another band for a while - the very famous Dead Or Alive, though he s dead chuffed he got out before they became "embarrassing" and is rather pleased he's still got the hat that Pete Burns gave him "for services rendered" . Mick Brown was in another quite famous and rather brilliant band called Red Lorry Yellow Lorry, while Simon Hinkler was in... er, a band called Artery.
"A not very famous but brilliant band called Artery!" "corrects" Simon, a trifle miffed but looking somewhat embarrassed/anyway. But then - spiralling mists!! - the ever-pokesome finger of life that is FATE! thrust our hapless heroes together·..
"In a toilet in a warehouse. Honest!" pipes Wayne, not looking very honest under his darkened spectacles. "We met in a toilet - all the best people do, y'know. And now we've got the world at our feet and that's... er, about it!'
Mmmn. So much for history then viewers. At the moment The Mission "lads" are frolicking around in their interview room and they'd much rather talk about, shampoo.
"I bought some shampoo yesterday for the first time in bloody ages, reveals Craig for some reason.
Simon: "What kind of shampoo did you buy, Craig?"
Craig: "I got some good stuff with conditioner an' that. Well, it were expensive so it must be good ...'cos, y'know, you can t be too careful.
Mick: "It were probably beer shampoo, knowing you!"
Craig: "Yeah, just bang some lime in and it's ssllllrrrpppp! Ha ha!"
Wayne: "I bought a new makeup bag yesterday..."
Craig: "1 could do with a new make-up bag actually - mine's split."
Well - spook upon spooks! - it just so happens I've got a spare one in my bag. (Produces very horrible plastic quilted "effect" green make-up bag.)
Craig (quite delighted): "'Ere! It looks like one of them hats. One of them hats except we could dye it black! Y'know, sort of like a cossack hat. (Wears make-up bag on head - very fetching.) Aw - it's too small But innit like one? No, really we'ye been discussing the possibility of getting some of these for ages - I tried to get one yesterday but they were all too small. I'm Sorry, we don t have any in your colour, sir! Ha ha!"
Wayne: "1 bought a new coat yesterday an' all. That one there. (Points to black 'n' billowy spook-coat hanging on the back of the door.) A hundred quid.
Eh? A hundred smackers for a coat?
Craig: "That's what I said "
Wayne: "Yeah - I'm rich? (Smirks widely, though he smirks widely most of the time anyway.) Yeah - today I m getting a cheque for 1300 quid - that's my bonus - me wages for two weeks. Actually it's just for the weekend ha ha! No - 750 quid a week - I'm rich and it feels... fine!"
Mick: "We get 25 quid a week and as much semolina as we can eat har har...."
Wayne: "II mean, all those indie bands with their martyred attitude... living for your art and starving - that's bollacks. Get rich!"
Surely, though, as ones who began "life" in the "indie" scene (man) they must quite like some of the music?
Wayne: "Aw God, no - it's all this pseudo 'eavy metal stuff, innit? All these young bands trying to do guitar solos when they can't even play the guitar.., er, who's a good example?"
Craig: "I don't listen to any of 'em."
Simon: "I don't listen to anybody."
Mick: "I'm deaf."
Wayne: "1 bought the new S-Star album the other day..."
Simon (visibly horrified): "You bought a S-Star album?"
Wayne: "Yeah - it's a good album! I really like the singles off it so I bought it! It's just good songs/see that's all that matters. Good songs. They're a bit weird them, aren't they (i.e. S-Star)? They're meant to be really shy and all that. I do like Deniece I must say... (swoons a bit...) I like Madonna too!"
Mick: "Oooh - come 'ere baby!" Yes, well, that's enough of that. You are fascinated by dodgy old '70s bands, though, aren't you?
Wayne (rather snippily): "By good '70s bands. There were a lot of good songs from then - 'When The Levee Breaks' by Zeppplin (i.e. Led) and Deep Purple, The Doors...
And "naturally" enough at this point, in strides their manager Tony and proceeds to light very '70s joss-sticks all over the place letting off an almighty mustified reek. I thought you lot were goths and not hippies?
Wayne: "We're goppies! Actually, Simon is a hippy - he's the only genuine hippy we know!"
Simon: "Well, everyone says I am so I suppose I must be..."
Craig: You've got favourite trees and bushes and stuffl."
Simon: "What are you talking about?"
Craig: "He has, y'know! We recorded our album down on a farm in Surrey for three weeks and he had a favourite bush..."
Mick "Yeah, we recorded the album on a 24-track milking machine har har..."
Craig: "Yeah, his bush - it were about this big (leaps up in demonstration) about shoulder height sort of like a big Tardis... and he were leant over It going 'Karma! Karma!' You told me it were your favourite bush!"
Simon: "Er... welt, me memory leaves a lot to be desire...it must have been purely phallic - the earth's energy,/know..." (?)
Yes, well, anyway, The Mission are now "very proud" to present to the universe their first ever LP "God's Own Medicine", which is rather splendid and not-at-all the doomesque piece of melodramatic misery most "goth" types are often accused of.
Wayne: "Y'know, that's exactly what we're not" he states boldly. "We're not one of those 'orrible bands with po-faced.., faces. I can't believe those people who come to gigs and just stand there in their black clothes being miserable - they've just no sense of humour and they've got totally the wrong idea of what it s all about - I mean, we're good time boys out to enjoy ourselves.., we're the new wild men of rock,/know!" You write very grand lyrics, though "Grand?"
Well, it's not exactly 'hey baby git on down with me'-type stuff, is it?
"Yes it is - it's just more subtle ha ha! Y'see, I just like words.., words like.., precious and.., sunshine... beautiful words. I'm very sweet, me, really y'know."
Er... did you know you'd become a sex symbol?
"Really? Aw, that's nice. I get all me jewelery from girls now, y'know! And they send us all clothes too."
Craig: "Buy nothing!"
Mick: "He (Wayne) got mistaken for Boy George once, y'know! Yeah we were coming back from Spain or somewhere and we were on one of those moving pavement things going one way and these girls were going the other going 'Is it? Is it? It is! Boy George!' Ha ha!"
Wayne: "It's happened a few time, though obviously- I'm much better looking than him! Better legs an all - don't forget the legs. You must admit, though, we have got good legs - just look around - there's four good sets of pins 'ere."
Craig: Oh yeah - tree trunks!" (Stands up to display his tree-trunks.)
Wayne: "Well, we just aim to cater for every taste, y'see... I tell you, I was in this club in Sheffield the other week and I walked past this group of girls and they started screaming 'aaaah! aaah! ' Like that! Really! So I walked past again!"
Simon: "Yeah, you went to the toilet 20 times that night, didn't you! (Snigger.) I was in a club the other night and 'about ten girls went 'eeeeh! eeeeh' and started chasing after me. So I walked a bit quicker!"
Wayne: "I would have just lain on the floor and let them have me!"
Ah yes, but as "rumour" has It, you're not exactly fussy, are you?
"No."
Simon: "Yeah - that could be the title on the page - 'Hussey.'s Not Fussy" ha ha!"
(I think not - Ed.)